Right now, I feel like a sloth mired in molasses. It started with a minor bout of sinusitis and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get my butt in any gear other than the lowest of the lows right now. I feel as if you clocked me, you might find I’m moving at a negative rate, but maybe that’s just because so many days go by and while things change around me, I’m still right here. So many plans, so little progress.
I keep trying to tell myself it’s okay. This is why I didn’t engage in structured work, this is why I have a no obligation job, but the bills piling up tell a different story. I keep trying to reassure myself this is temporary, has nothing to do with working and I’ll be back on my feet in no time, but my get up and go is nowhere to be found. It’s not looking great juxtaposed with the heavy, exhausting schedule of doctor’s visits and tests I have lined up over the next few months. It would have made for a challenge without working, but how do I add the two together when I can barely seem to survive making a meal most days? I may not be disappointing anyone other than myself, but that’s one too many people in my book.
Is it the verapamil? Certainly a possibility to discuss with my head specialist at my appointment next week, but given that I credit it with getting my near daily migraines down to just a few a month, I seriously doubt I’m going to tell them to withdraw the drug. The verapamil isn’t a bad possibility; it did drop my blood pressure some. However, it seemed to level off and respond well to regular doses of ORS. Still, my vascular cardiologist isn’t happy with my condition and wants me to go to the autonomic clinic at UC for treatment.
My friend who is a nurse reminds me so many things can contribute to the fatigue we experience as zebras and that many of the question marks left about my health could easily be contributing. It’s a good line of inquiry, but one I’m not energetic enough to undertake presently on the blog.
I have a lot of thinking to do, but I suppose given my current state, I have the luxury of time with which to do it. I’ve always had grand plans for this blog, but I’m not getting the numbers or feedback I need to see to be convinced it’s worth taking it to the next level and I wonder often if it’s time to consider that I’m wasting my energy on it. Perhaps I should be reserving my efforts for pursuits with greater impact. It would certainly be one less thing to feel guilty about when I’m too sick to keep up, as I have been lately. Whatever the case, I know for now things need to be a bit more low key for me and in the meantime, I’ll doing some serious considering about what’s really important to me.
Happy new year, everyone. Whatever 2017 has wrought, may 2018 be filled with better!