Zebra Pit on Hiatus

It’s hard for me to admit defeat, but it’s time for me to throw in the towel, at least temporarily. As many of you know, I’m facing a new heart condition and will soon be undergoing cardiac catheterization so they can determine the cause and possibly implant stents wherever necessary. We are hopeful that we’ve caught things early (my ischemia was rated moderate at an 8, with 9 or above being severe) and that I will respond to treatment, but we all know these things can be complex for zebras and I may have more going on than the traditional CAD that runs on my father’s side of the family.

I am also dealing with the possibility of skin cancer, as I reported in my post about my rogue mole. Even more frustrating is the fact that I’m in a holding pattern waiting on referrals to specialists for both of these fairly urgent concerns, as the referrals aren’t being handled very well. Add to that my upcoming intake interview which may or may not be the beginning of my ASD testing and my stress levels are climbing by the minute.

I don’t talk much about all of the work that blogging entails outside of writing, but it’s significant and it requires me to wear hats I’m completely uncomfortable with, which means it’s very stressful. There’s a lot of socializing and question answering and while I love being helpful and really enjoy some of the discussions I have, it’s also a source of high anxiety for me. I may be emotive and enjoy writing and teaching, but I’m in no way extroverted and it’s very draining.

I’m easily confused by interactions with others. I spend most of my time trying to puzzle out what people mean or what their motivations are for things. This is a big part of why I think I’m autistic and it’s all very anxiety inducing. If I’m already anxious, I’m also more likely to take things out of context and so right now, I’m walking around 24/7 with my hair trigger hanging out, all the while fearing inducement of a heart attack before I make it to catheterization and some stabilizing medications.

I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this hiatus is temporary. I came very close to shutting down ZP before my vacation and it was saved by the promise of help from a well-meaning community member. Unfortunately, those promises evaporated shortly after I returned and I decided to try to limp along anyway, but I have serious doubts about my capacity to make it successful with my social issues and I hate to sink my already slim resources into it only to have it backfire on me, especially since I’m in less of a position than ever to walk out my door and find work.

For now, we’ll call it a hiatus, but I will be thinking a lot about the bigger picture when I’m able to deal with such subjects again. In the meantime, enjoy the resources I leave you with and know that my thoughts are with you, even though I can’t actively be a part of the community right now.

If I’m not back before, I wish you and yours a lovely holiday season and the best health possible with which to enjoy it.

 

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20 thoughts on “Zebra Pit on Hiatus

  1. As a diasgosed Aspie (diagnosed in late 30s) EDS zebra (both diagnosed within one year of each other), who’s dealt with confirmed skin cancer and one “almost there” skin cancer, plus is a cardiac patient awaiting stenting, plus a host of other things – as we all do – I definitely appreciate your exhaustion, anxiety, and frustration.

    I would encourage you to try to think of the ASD evaluation as a good thing though, if you can. The uncertainty can be crippling, but once you have a diagnosis, whatever it may be, it gives you a platform to stand on to do your research from. A platform you hadn’t had before.

    I knew I was an Aspie in 1994 when the DSM-IV was released. I was in an undergrad abnormal psychology summer class at the time. We reviewed the changes, I thought, “So THAT’S what they’re calling people like me,” and moved on. I had been studying body language and human behavior most of my life and so far have obtained a Master’s in Counseling Psychology though I don’t do counseling. I do vocational rehabilitation work. My Aspiness is a blessing as I can see the patterns, see the various courses of action available, am not readily sucked into client emotional drama, yet can appreciate their difficulties as I experience my own courtesy of EDS. I obtained my Aspie DX right after the DSM-5 came out. I was asked if I wanted Asperger’s or ASD, Level 1 (basically the same thing). I chose Asperger’s. And I was shocked at how light and free and relieved I felt walking out of that office. I had thought it was just a formality since I already KNEW that, but having independent validation just made it more real somehow and I could honestly tell naysayers who thought I was “too high-functioning” to be on the spectrum that I had a professional diagnosis and no, it’s not something I just need to “try harder” to overcome. I had no idea how much of a positive impact that diagnosis would have on my life back in 2013.

    As to the rest…. Know that there are folks out there (like me) who have your back. Been there, done that, are waiting for it, are having trouble getting it, are recovering well or not so well from it… But we’re all part of the zebra dazzle and we support each other. I support you. I know you’ll get through this. You’re zebra strong. Zebra strong doesn’t mean fear-free, but the strength to do what must be done for your health, as best you can. That’s all any of us can do.

    Apologies for the length – I tend to get on a roll on topics like this, especially if I have personal knowledge of the subject. Please take all the time you need, and if there’s anything I can ever do to help, don’t hesitate to reach out to me or your other supporters, okay? Soft zebra hugs. You’ve got this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Many thanks for the offer of support. It helps to know others have been there and are getting through. I’m doing alright, just trying to manage and eliminate stress where possible, and right now that’s with my blog and SM stuff. Part of bring zebra strong is knowing when to say when and I’m in a bit of a holding pattern until I can get catheterized and my consult with the cardiologist isn’t until December 18. I don’t find the possibility of being autistic a bad thing. The process of finding someone to diagnose me and dealing with going through all the questions about my childhood and thinking back to that time is just stressful. Thanks for your thoughts and having my back!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you are going through all this and I hope everything works out OK. Thanks for all the work you’ve put into your blog, I found it fairly recently but have really enjoyed it. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to read all of this. I wish you all the very best for your future. I think it’s very easy to get burnt out from blogging and we all need to step back and take a break. It does become very consuming and I think that ASD is maybe the reason for that. It would be interesting to know how many of us are on the spectrum, and I wonder if all bloggers get obsessive about it. I hope you find a solution, maybe you could just blog as a hobby as and when you fancy it?

    All the best x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. And I only just found you! Typical! You go and have a heart condition plus various other health issues. How very dare you! 😂😂😂
    Seriously, nothing and I mean nothing is worth your health. So, take that break whether it is short or long term or never to return. Sounds like you’ve given a lot to people over the years. And you’ve left a good legacy for those latecomers like myself!🙄
    Praying you get everything sorted out and you heal well.

    Afterall, you Zebras love a good watering hole, so rest a while take a sip or two and enjoy the sunsets.

    Much love❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry to see you’re going through so much, even more at this moment. I hope you’re able to get your health back on track and find peace and tranquility among the chaos. Sending so many gentle hugs your way! You’re a strong one, keep pushing, take breaks, and take care of yourself! Thanks for providing a great multifunctional site 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending love and healing thoughts your way. Should you decide to not return, please know that I have always loved your blogging and the value you have added to the disabled community. You’ve been a true resource to many and you will be missed very much. I wish there was a way I could help you keep going, but for now, just focus on you staying well…that’s the most important thing.

    From a Fibromite to a Zebra…be well, be happy, be blessed. oxoxox

    Like

    1. I’m so very touched and honored, Pamela. I admire your work as well and I swear you couldn’t have said anything else to make my year more complete. Hopefully all will be resolved soon and I can get back to doing what I love here, at least to some degree. I admit, I can’t help but think about all the things I’d like to be doing with it, but it’s also already proven beneficial to have this break. Thanks so much for your kind words and thoughts. They mean more than you know. xx

      Like

    1. Terri, you’re so right. Just this afternoon reading about CAD, it was so hard to stop myself from trying to plan a blog post about it. It becomes part of everything you do. Thanks so much for the blessings. I will do my best to behave and heal!

      Liked by 1 person

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