It’s hard for me to admit defeat, but it’s time for me to throw in the towel, at least temporarily. As many of you know, I’m facing a new heart condition and will soon be undergoing cardiac catheterization so they can determine the cause and possibly implant stents wherever necessary. We are hopeful that we’ve caught things early (my ischemia was rated moderate at an 8, with 9 or above being severe) and that I will respond to treatment, but we all know these things can be complex for zebras and I may have more going on than the traditional CAD that runs on my father’s side of the family.
I am also dealing with the possibility of skin cancer, as I reported in my post about my rogue mole. Even more frustrating is the fact that I’m in a holding pattern waiting on referrals to specialists for both of these fairly urgent concerns, as the referrals aren’t being handled very well. Add to that my upcoming intake interview which may or may not be the beginning of my ASD testing and my stress levels are climbing by the minute.
I don’t talk much about all of the work that blogging entails outside of writing, but it’s significant and it requires me to wear hats I’m completely uncomfortable with, which means it’s very stressful. There’s a lot of socializing and question answering and while I love being helpful and really enjoy some of the discussions I have, it’s also a source of high anxiety for me. I may be emotive and enjoy writing and teaching, but I’m in no way extroverted and it’s very draining.
I’m easily confused by interactions with others. I spend most of my time trying to puzzle out what people mean or what their motivations are for things. This is a big part of why I think I’m autistic and it’s all very anxiety inducing. If I’m already anxious, I’m also more likely to take things out of context and so right now, I’m walking around 24/7 with my hair trigger hanging out, all the while fearing inducement of a heart attack before I make it to catheterization and some stabilizing medications.
I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this hiatus is temporary. I came very close to shutting down ZP before my vacation and it was saved by the promise of help from a well-meaning community member. Unfortunately, those promises evaporated shortly after I returned and I decided to try to limp along anyway, but I have serious doubts about my capacity to make it successful with my social issues and I hate to sink my already slim resources into it only to have it backfire on me, especially since I’m in less of a position than ever to walk out my door and find work.
For now, we’ll call it a hiatus, but I will be thinking a lot about the bigger picture when I’m able to deal with such subjects again. In the meantime, enjoy the resources I leave you with and know that my thoughts are with you, even though I can’t actively be a part of the community right now.
If I’m not back before, I wish you and yours a lovely holiday season and the best health possible with which to enjoy it.